I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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