I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
