dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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