textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'm passing your future prison.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize