My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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