I just threw up on my dentist
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
