chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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