I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
