i will never coherently bang her
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
