I wish I could punch you in the face.
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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