i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
