just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
