I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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