I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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