Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
