So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
