Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
