New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
