first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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