Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
