I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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