It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
