i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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