Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I believe in your delicious
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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