So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
