The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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