K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
