wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
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