why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
