I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
