The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Randomize
