She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
