I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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