Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
