Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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