You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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