She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
