I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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