im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
