Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
