I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
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