Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
