I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
