I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
