Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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