The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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