We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
And then he peed in my hair
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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