my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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