I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
