y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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