If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
