You smell like stripper and shame
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
