I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
