Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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