So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
