This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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