Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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